Thoughts of a Thinker

What’s Behind a Smile?

2011-07-14T11:23:00.002-04:00

A friend committed suicide recently. No one saw it coming. :-(

Did you notice my frown
As I walked around with my head hanging down
You say get over it, there are other fish in the sea
But in my love sick mind she was made especially for me
God thank you for this gift finally
A series of unfortunate events that makes my life well spent seem worthless
According to God’s law life was supposed to be better than this
He will never put more on you than you can bear, at least that’s what they say
If that’s the case then why did He take my family away
My wife, my kids….. I made them my world and now the memory seems distant
So much for a life well spent
I went looking for a job today. The man said there’s no work
"I’ll call you when I have something I think you deserve"
For a quick second I imagined murder but drove home instead
I thought about what would happen if I made the traffic light green when it really was red
A five car pile up wouldn’t guarantee my death
So I go home and ask myself what’s really left
I had a conversation with my mother about my fatality
"Son think about your family," that’s what she said to me
All I could think was…. Momma you don’t see it but I’m probably better off dead
Later that night I got on my knees and prayed by my bed
Lord what about the promises You made
You said my good deeds wouldn’t go unpaid
I tried to do right but what has that done
I took a boy in need and made him my son
I fathered two kids and gave them a home
I loved a bitch and she left me alone
I tried to do right against probability
As hard as I try I see no possibility
I know what I’ll do…..take their advice and wait for it to pass
As I tossed and turned satan crossed my path
“I have an option to end all this pain
You’ll never have to worry about your situation again
Here is a rope a noose and a chair
What’s the hold up? The back porch is right there
Take control of your heartache….. let His will be done
Hanging is less painful than use of a gun”
I rose from my bed at 5 in the morn
No consideration for the damage I’d done
I forgot to think twice about the grief it would cause
I didn’t remember the consequence of God’s laws
An act of desperation to end it all
Ultimately led to a major downfall
As I tightened the noose, placed my feet on the chair
For a moment I was happy to end the despair
No pain no agony no regrets for my past
I said a final prayer for this breath was my last
Thank you God for giving me life
I now say goodbye to the anguish and strife
To momma take care, please keep my family strong
To my cousins and brothers just try to hold on
You’ll never understand because I cared not to share
I tried to reach out but no one was there
I’m not holding you responsible for not hearing my voice
I let darkness consume me, that was my choice
One last request and I know this is foul
Never underestimate what’s behind a man's smile

The Honeymoon

2010-10-09T23:15:00.008-04:00

Me and a friend were playing around so I asked to give me a word and I'll write on it. His response was Honeymoon and Dreams. I combined both and this is what I came up with. And the poem won a poetry contest!!! 11.3.10 My first win and I am so proud.

Yesterday we spoke our vows
We woke up today in bliss
The clear blue sky where the sun arises
No honeymoon is grander than this

Room service at eight in a four star hotel
The Hilton to be exact
Ocean view on the penthouse floor
With designer robes to match

Breakfast at nine massages at ten
The limo arrived at eleven
We spent the day shopping for gowns and tuxedos
For our five star meal at seven

After our dinner and ballroom dance
We made love on our luxury covers
Candlelit bath, we both are so happy
Thanking God we have each other

I then fell asleep in paradise
Awakened by reality’s alarm
We weren’t on an island, we weren’t at the Hilton
I stared silently as I lay in his arms

There was no clear sky or limousines
No spas or massages at ten
No luxury covers or designer robes
There’s no penthouse at the Red Roof Inn

Our shotgun wedding at the courtroom’s alter
No invitations, groomsmen or brides
No flights out of town or wedding receptions
This was all his money could buy

One night’s stay with checkout at twelve
My dream honeymoon didn’t exist
I wanted to slap him but then I remembered
True love is more precious than bliss

Lonely But Not Alone

2010-07-08T21:08:00.004-04:00

At times I feel God is playing games with me
I may have His grace but I question mercy
I pray for black and he sends white my way
I pray that I leave but I'm forced to stay

I have wants and desires to do something huge
But obstacles and setbacks are my only refuge
I spend all my time thinking positive things
I believe in His word and the promises it brings

But sadness creeps in; so does pain and heartache
I try to be strong but how much can one take
They say let it go, be patient, move on
I’m only a human and sometimes not so strong

The mind of the married won’t understand my blues
They have love and companionship to go home to
The world of the lonely is more independent
Every episode in life is spent unattended

No point in complaining it won’t change a thing
Dismiss thoughts of marriage and wedding rings
Convincing all others that your life is just fine
Having a mate is no way to define

When the sun starts to set and you’re all tucked in
It’s when you’re alone that the grieving begins
You think of your day and play back the events
Identifying each moment and how it was spent

Although you feel thankful, you start to feel down
Looking for company but no one is around
Tossing and turning you finally admit
Alone is one thing but lonely is different

There is an advantage, don’t misunderstand
You have total freedom when you don’t have a man
You eat when you want and clean as you go
You learn who you are and you’re able to grow

Like any other situation there is a downfall
When you’ve had a hard day there’s no one to call
Your friends are attached, they don’t have the time
They’re no longer single, their blues ain’t like mine

In the midst of alone you’re forced to look up
You need His friendship so you won’t give up
They all have their mates but Lord where is mine
“Be patient my child, he’ll come in due time”

All of a sudden I am able to rest
It’s not playing games but only a test
Sometimes you feel lonely but you have to hold on
Know who you are and keep pressing on

He knows our desires for He placed them there
All of His children are in His care
Because of His grace I find peace on my own
At times I feel lonely but I’m never alone

The Higher She

2010-06-24T16:05:00.008-04:00

It's the simplest aspects of life that inspire me
Anomalous concepts, thoughts, ideas and feelings
To record through pen but I just havent been
Motivated or in the mood
To do anything, not even share food for thought
Or any of the other things that I have been taught
Chains of hindrance got the best of me
But I escaped and finally I broke free
No longer bound by the world's idea of reality
But lost in my own sea
Of truth, often revisiting my years of youth
Without regret
And I feel good that I no longer shed tears of joy or sorrow
For certain instances of my past
Instead now I can think freely and laugh
Because I have evolved and grown
And I no longer try to live this life on my own
Instead I read and seek
Ways to get closer to the supernatural force that drives me
Reminds me to keep striving because I know he's residing and
Providing knowledge and wisdom
So I can be the higher she
The she whom He created me to be

Hypocrisy

2010-03-11T15:25:00.002-05:00

Overly practicing hypocrisy
Contradicting what you preach
Labeling yourself a Christian
But going against all that you teach
Let’s discuss religious rules
Bending them to work for you
Yesterday you were self righteous
But today you seem confused
From the scriptures you profess
To the words you manifest
Although you claim your way is right
You’re still a sinner nonetheless
You’re only saved because of grace
Yet you try to win the race
When did conviction become a game
False examples and saving face
Are you hiding behind belief
Keep it real and spare the grief
Cause I’ll argue all your flaws
And leave you craving for relief
Are you sure hell’s not your home
With all the nonsense you condone
You tried your best to convince me
I know your thoughts when you’re alone
Heavenly father where is my blessing
Are those the words that you’re confessing
Where is all your religious faith
Once the devil gets to testing
But when I go against the grain
You’re quick to judge and rearrange
Fast in condemning my train of thought
Arbitrating in His name
How dare you attack my way of living
When your heart is unforgiving
Imposing artificial beliefs
Did you forget that’s also sinning?
But since you worship that doesn’t apply
You break the rules then justify
You sin first then ask for mercy
I guess the measures don’t apply
Does that give you an open pass?
And now you think you’re free at last
Go to church just for routine
Even Jesus has to laugh
The most repulsive group of topics
Religion, race and politics
I’ll just agree to disagree
And stay away from hypocrites!

Imagine

2010-02-12T00:49:00.011-05:00

Imagine life without colors
A hood with no struggles
A world with no hate
Or people killing each other
Imagine poverty with no hunger
Storms with no thunder
Life without death
No souls six feet under
Imagine perfection everyday
Hearts that don’t break
A life without pain
And decisions with no mistakes
Imagine crack heads with no drugs
Street wars with no thugs
Love with no affection
No kisses or hugs
Imagine wants but no needs
Products with no seeds
Original duplications
And only pure breeds
Imagine a world with no lies
Tears with soft cries
Only joyous occasions
And doves that don’t fly
Imagine truth with no fear
And ears that don’t hear
Eyes that can’t see
And malls with no Sears
Imagine a brain with no smarts
Blood with no hearts
Limbs with no veins
And aims with no darts
Imagine winter with no wind
A life without friends
No sisterly love
And rules that don’t bend
Imagine no shades of gray
Disillusioned X rays
Insufficient opinions
And nights with no days
Imagine life without beauty
Bedtime with no sleep
A world with no trust
And no secrets to keep
Imagine money without power
Minutes without hours
Seconds without minutes
Cell phones with no towers
Imagine speaking without words
Nests with no birds
Life with no purpose
And nouns without verbs
Imagine teachers with no schools
And paying no dues
Success without pressure
Mysteries without clues
Imagine arrangement with disorder
Dimes without quarters
Life without breathing
And fountains with no water
Imagine personality without flaws
Criminals with no laws
Anger without control
And a beast with no claws
Imagine imagining
Without using imagination
Imagine what God would do
Without His finest creation

Thank You: A Dedication to My Love

2009-11-13T15:34:00.000-05:00

Thank you for taking me as I am.
It feels good to find acceptance.
Thank you for appreciating what I have to offer.
It reminds me of my value.
Thank you for recognizing my talents.
It's great to feel acknowledged.
Thank you for your words of encouragement.
It's wonderful having support.
Thank you for the safety hazards.
Women like to feel protected.
Thank you for understanding.
It's a relief to feel understood.
Thank you for being honest.
It helps me learn to trust.
Thank you for saying "You're a writer."
It shows that you believe in me.
Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts.
It creates a closer bond.
Thank you for the knowledge.
It's allows room for growth.
Thank you for opening your heart.
It's a path for the experience of love.
Thank you for being you.
It brings out the best in me.

And So I Write

2009-10-04T22:49:00.001-04:00

Right now I feel up
At times I feel down
Some days I feel blue
And then I'm all smiles
Sometimes I'm torn between
What is wrong and
What feels right
In the midst of it all
I'm inspired to write
Most days I see hope
My soul is at peace
Sometimes I'm overwhelmed
With sadness and grief
When I'm feeling attacked
And have a need to fight
Instead of throwing stones
I sit down and I write
Some days I may sing
Because I feel so high
The sky is my limit
And I reach for the sky
No one can touch me
I have control of my life
I'm bold and confident
In everything that I write
As fast as it comes
That's how fast it will go
I hold it together
So no one will know
I'm surrounded by friends
But at the end of the night
I still feel alone
So I sit down and I write
I figure things out
And fight with myself
Unresolved issues
I place on the shelf
I need to loosen up
I'm way too uptight
To gather my thoughts
I take time and I write
In love and in war
I feel most confused
At times I feel cherished
Other times I feel used
I want the real thing
To be held late at night
I long for those moments
So I fantasize as I write
I want to be free
No more bondage or chains
Content with myself
I'd like to remain
When the world is unfair
I display my dislikes
I get so discouraged
And that's when I write
I know there's a plan
With my heart I believe
Bless me with wisdom
So I can receive
I deserve all the blessings
I'll get them despite
Roadblocks and speed bumps
I'll continue to write

I Cry

2009-10-04T01:56:00.001-04:00

When I want to shed a tear
Because of all the things I fear
The pain that comes with rejection
Being led in the wrong direction
To give love and to receive
Overcoming uncertainties
Disappointments that come with life
I just want to be treated right
To live a life with no regrets
What you give is what you get
From the world I want to hide
At times I keep it all inside
I think it's healthy to release
Hoping truth will set me free
When it doesn't I feel deprived
And then I start to cry...

I Remember

2009-09-29T15:53:00.007-04:00

I won another contest and the poem will feature in the 2010 Anthology of best poets for the year. I am so thankful!!

I remember why we separated

And why I have no regrets

I remember it’s always easy to forgive

But not as easy to forget

I remember being in his presence

Yet I still felt all alone

I remember asking why is he here?

I’m doing everything on my own

I remember doing all the work

While he reaped the benefits

I remember being good to him

But he didn’t appreciate it

I remember holding conversation

Hoping to be heard

I remember how he brushed me off

And didn’t listen to one word

I remember all the times

I felt completely misunderstood

I remember thinking why do I try?

It does neither of us any good

I remember discussing a possible future

Our plans, my goals and views

I remember him showing no interest at all

He doesn’t think the way I do

I remember trying to voice my concerns

Making it clear that I was bored

I remember the day I got fed up

Sick and tired of being ignored

I remember thinking to myself

That warning was his last

I remember how he was once a present

Now a product of my past

I remember thinking enough is enough

I shall argue no more

I remember the day I packed my things

And headed for the door

I remember the way he stared at me

With sadness in his eyes

I remember leaving peacefully and thinking

Why is he surprised?

I remember all the fear I felt

After making my decision

I remember when loneliness set in

It wasn’t an easy transition

I remember getting accustomed

To doing things on my own

I remember gaining the peace of mind

That comes with being alone

I remember the sense of pride I felt

When I got my life on track

I remember when I walked away

There was no looking back

I remember the day he called me up

Trying to redeem himself

I remember breaking the news to him

“I’ve moved on with someone else.”

I remember all my efforts and energy

That’s why I have no regrets

I remember it was just as easy

To forgive, to move on and to forget

The Beast is Hungry Tonight

2009-09-29T15:46:00.002-04:00

Tonight the beast is hungry
And his victim aims to please
She cooks a hearty dinner
With the hopes he will receive
As he walks through the door
She prays for a good night
Hoping his day was pleasant
And he's in no mood to fight
She greets him with a hug
Oh boy was she wrong
His violent temper flares
And his back hand is strong
As he sits down for dinner
She seeks approval and consent
Instead she's faced with criticism
And her efforts were dismissed
She failed to smell the alcohol
Lurking from his breath
His tone was filled with anger
As he pushed her to the left
He throws the dinner to the floor
Then shakes her with full force
His stare is filled with hatred
And his soul has no remorse
The beast is now annoyed
And he's focused on his prey
He releases all his anger
And frustrations of his day
She's accustomed to this behavior
As he shoves her to the rug
She confuses all his anger
And mistakes it for his love
What she fails to realize is
Her son has witnessed it all
The result of this behavior
Will serve as his downfall
Hopefully he won't repeat the actions
Of the angry beast
She prays he'll find a different way
To channel and release
Knowing this she still holds on
Confusing love with misery
Although it did cross her mind
To kill him in his sleep
Torn between fear and love
There's no escape for her distress
So after another violent night
She allows the beast to rest
She thinks not of the reasons why
She suffers this abuse
Instead she thinks of ways to hide
And makes up an excuse
Next time I'll fix a better meal
My actions I'll rearrange
No matter what she chooses to do
The beast will never change

The Beauty of Television

2009-09-18T13:21:00.003-04:00

What's up with the controversy
Entertainment and celebrities
Unacceptable conduct from athletes
Distasteful rapper's discrepancies
Let's start with Joe Wilson
What world is he living in
Shouting "Lie" to the president
Is that how Republicans represent?
Moving on to the next
Kanye West and his mess
Disrespectful on the stage
Is that how he was raised?
Let's put the other one on blast
Serena Williams showing her ass
On the court acting out
Is that what tennis is about?
And what about Michael Vick
Did you think I would forget?
Did he have to kill those dogs?
He paid the price for breaking laws
And how about the president
Off the records but talking shit
Calling Kanye out his name
Is that a way of reflecting change?
Whitney Houston welcome back
It's nice to see you're back on track
Bobby Brown you tried to blame
Is that the a way to clear your name?
Chris Brown... don't get me started
Your image is rightfully tarnished
You struck a woman with bare hands
But let me see you strike a man
To criticize is in our nature
We don't approve of the behavior
But I will say in their defense
They may be famous but still humans
They make mistakes like you and I
But their mishaps are televised
We have no right to condemn
It's not our jobs to punish them
Yes, Joe Wilson may be a racist
Let's not pretend it doesn't exist
Kanye West, he crossed the line
It's clear his issues are undefined
Serena Williams that's not the way
Don't place emotions on display
Michael Vick, he did the crime
Two years in prison, he did his time
Mr. Obama, that's your belief
We're all entitled to freedom of speech
Whitney Houston, we still love you
He's not responsible for what you choose
To beat your woman, it makes no sense
Chris Brown, there's no defense
In the end we're all the same
Most are ordinary, others have fame
But with the fame there comes a price
None of us are Jesus Christ
We all condemn without the prize
But who are we to criticize
Why are we so hard on others
Let's learn to forgive one another
Controversy and foolish decisions
That's the beauty of television

My Vision

2009-09-18T13:19:00.002-04:00

Long steamy showers
Conversation for hours
With the kids at the park
Holding hands after dark
I bought a gift just because
It's a token of my love
A new tattoo on my left cheek
Just for you, exclusively
Let's adopt a new pastime
Horseback riding or mountain climb
A week's vacation would be nice
Pick the place, I'll book the flight
Nurture you in the name of love
Life knocks you down I'll lift you up
Had a long day, just need a break
I'll give you time; respect your space
Let's take the boys, go for a drive
Enjoy the views and quality time
It's too routine, let's add some spice
Hit the casinos and roll some dice
A new addition to our world
Congratulations it's a girl
Thanking God for sending you
Show gratitude for all you do
Creative measures, I'll be the first
To give you all that you deserve
Making it work, an easy decision
Our lives together; this is my vision

Satisfaction

2009-09-08T15:55:00.006-04:00

Energy
Transferred between two
It's referred to as chemistry
Sound familiar? I feel it too
Mutual attraction
Sexual satisfaction
Mental stimulation
Strictly conversation
Powerful and intense
What an experience
No matter the distance
I want you all up in this
Is it all in my mind? Well...
They say love is blind
But what about desire?
Cause you damn sure light my fire

When is It Going to Be My Time?

2009-07-28T18:28:00.003-04:00

Frustration
With my lack of education
When it comes to dating
Ceased elevation
I continue to regress
When is it going to be my time
When will I find happiness
Hesitation
With my career’s gravitation
Lack of motivation
Blemished determination
Fear of rejection causes me to digress
When’s it going to be my time
When will I find success
Issues
Past hurts and scarred tissues
Try taking a scroll in my shoes
Constantly judged and misconstrued
Resentment causes me to have the blues
When is it going to be my time
I thought I paid all my dues
Hoping
To mend all that is broken
For doors to finally open
No more grunting and groping
Does a life of bliss exist
When is it going to be my time
When will I find a purpose
I pray
For a happy ending one day
Restitution for all the dues I paid
A blessing for the foundations I laid
For healing to come my way
I pray for a peace of mind
Lord when is it going to be my time

The Seasons of Life

2009-06-23T16:47:00.007-04:00

Wasted winter days
Focused on the cold
Missed the beauty
That came with the snow
Whining, complaining
How long will it last
The season has changed
Winter’s your past
It’s finally spring
No more cold winter nights
It’s all in full bloom
And your future seems bright
You don’t miss the snow
But you’re sick of the rain
You could seize the moment
But instead you complain
As the degrees grow hotter
And the rain disappears
Your season has changed
And summer is here
The world’s filled with beauty
As the sun shines its rays
No rain, no snow
Just bright sunny days
You could take a swim
Or a summer retreat
You make countless excuses
Blame it all on the heat
The sun goes in hiding
As the moon takes its place
The leaves change their colors
No blinding sun rays
The days are now windy
But your trees still stand tall
No heat, no snow
You’re now in the fall
You take a moment
Sit back and relax
As you pause for the beauty
You start to think back
You remember last winter
The storm was so great
You couldn’t see spring
Couldn’t appreciate
You were stuck in your shell
Filled with negative thoughts
Your season had changed
But you still felt lost
Spring slowly approached
And though it looked brighter
Not once did you notice
Your load was now lighter
You asked for the spring
But when it appeared
You complained that the rain
Would soon disappear
Summer came quickly
No more days of gloom
Your storm had vanished
And no signs of doom
But that wasn’t enough
You wasted your days
Hid from the beauty
Criticized the sun’s rays
Suddenly it struck you
Now that you have peace
Value each season
For they all bring relief
The storm of the winter
Brought you some pain
The snow was replaced
By the spring's constant rain
You stepped in the puddles
And wet were your feet
Your puddles removed
By the summer strapping heat
It started out painful
But you now understand
Life is like seasons
And it’s all in His plan
Be thankful for storms
For snow, rain and heat
They are all components
To conquer defeat
Instead of complaining
Try seizing the day
Enjoy the transition
Let God have His way
Each season has elements
But none of them last
Life is transition
And this too shall pass

You Aint Got to Like It

2009-06-06T22:47:00.001-04:00

You can call me jazzy
Damn right I'm sassy
It aint my problem
If you don't like me
Intimidated by my content
I dont need your consent
I am who I am
And dammit you aint got to like it
Are you offended by my words
Does my opinion have you disturbed?
Not my problem, you can love it or hate it
But my thoughts wont go unheard
It requires too much energy
Constantly explaining me
I'm done rearranging me
And you aint got to like me
Is my personality too much
Maybe I’m too tough
Don’t like what I’m saying?
Just know that it’s enough
I refuse to replicate
Only once will I state
Untouched by the hate
Others attempt to duplicate
But I come correct
My persona you will respect
The weak often reject
My mode and intellect
I’m fierce by my own right
And I’ll put up a fight
I’m like a full moon
On a mid summer’s night
The thunder from my tongue
Is like an iron lung
I have a habit of stinging
Where most can’t be stung
It’s like fuel to my fire
And many can’t ignite
I might say I’m misunderstood
But I wasn’t created for you to like
I admire my confidence
You confuse it with arrogance
Once upon a time I gave a damn
But now I don’t give a shit
I don’t live for your prediction
That’s your own inhibition
I’m cool with how I’m livin'
And I won’t try to fit in
I’m just being myself
For you, I won't disguise it
Call me complex or complicated
But you aint got to like it

Not Looking for Love

2009-05-21T16:28:00.001-04:00

I thought it was love on that blissful day
What a wonderful feeling I felt
He broke my heart. This cant be love!
So I replaced him with somebody else
The other time I thought I cared
Told myself repeatedly
That wasn’t love but infatuation
With what he could do for me
And how about that one time
I made a serious commitment
But instead of pain I felt relief
When the relationship finally ended
I can remember the one after that
His swag had me totally shook
But reality set in and it wasn’t love
I was mesmerized by his looks
I dated this one guy with a passion for fashion
I admired his sense of trend
I started to noticed with each passing moment
We had similar taste in men
The other one; I shut him down
Trying to make my house his home
Eating my food, increasing my bills
I was glad to see him gone!
I then met Mr. Wonderful
He sent roses for every event
But I didn’t love him & wasn’t attracted
To anything more than his gifts
Hung out with a playa; we went on a date
I knew he wasn’t the one
That sure wasn’t love but I enjoyed the challenge
Winning his game was fun
Are these my options? Is this what love is?
Why is dating so complicated?
Then I realized that dating is simple
Or as difficult as we choose to make it
So I made a decision, my guard’s going up
I’m keeping my standards on high
No more games or false impressions
No more wasting my time
It’s time for a change, a new resolution
I’m taking a dating hiatus
Single, alone, content and in peace
“Not Looking” is my new status

Karma Doesn't Sleep

2009-05-05T13:15:00.002-04:00

I smiled on the inside
When I heard your bad news
She broke your heart & left you lonely
Feeling stupid and confused
You were love sick as you stared
At the sky in disbelief
Wondering how could she be so heartless
This bitch bamboozled me
Stunned by her secrets
Taken aback by all her lies
You thought she could be trusted
Weren’t you in for a surprise
She wasn’t who you thought she was
She played her cards full deck
Behind your back she was sneaking
Creeping and showed you no respect
Flirting with your homies
She played the game of double dippin
When you questioned her sneaky motives
She made you think you were just trippin
Despite her inconsistencies
You thought you had lucked up
Believed she was the better choice
Until the lightning struck
It started with the phone calls
Your instincts proved correct
She sexed you, ego flexed you
With hopes that you would forget
In time her character was revealed
All her motives were just that
You lived in your denial
Too ashamed to face the facts
And in the end she played you
You had no choice but to dismiss
Deep inside you felt betrayed
And left to reminisce
But oh no my brother, don’t you dare
Think of me now that you’re weak
She broke your heart and dogged you out
The same way you did me
Remember all the times I cooked
My meal ticket wasn’t sufficient
You left me home to dine alone
While chasing "Something Different"
It started with the phone calls
I knew something wasn’t right
Your emotions suddenly disconnected
When I tried you late at night
Fighting over silly things
Temper tantrums, arguments
All of a sudden I have to wonder
Where your time is being spent
I was the center of all complaints
As she slowly reeled you in
You wined this ho and dined this ho
Telling me she’s just a friend
My world became completely shattered
As truth exposed himself
I discovered your secrets, your dirt and lies
At this point there’s nothing left
Years of my time washed down the drain
I’m wondering what is next
I’m strong; I healed and then moved on
But left with side effects
So here it is you’ve been forgotten
And then I hear the news
Everyone’s talking, gossiping about how
She played you for a fool
You left me for a skank, a skeezer
To call me you have some nerve
So yes I smiled when I heard about it
You got just what you deserved
You thought you would continue on
No remorse for hurting me
The tables turned & you quickly learned
That Karma doesn’t sleep

Bad Girl in Disguise

2009-04-13T16:03:00.002-04:00

Conservative
Reserved
Well behaved by the light of day
But when the sun goes down
And her man comes around
The good girl fades away

She’s Businesslike
Intelligent
She comes off as innocent
But beneath those sheets
She’s the ultimate freak
And her man can't handle it

She’s naughty
Addictive
But only her lover knows
She wore the disguise
So he was surprised
The first time she let go

She’s sexy
And pretty
All the guys want to hit
Her jewel is preserved
Only her man deserves
To taste the sweetness of it

She’s quiet
And shy
To those on the outside
But when they get home
She strokes and he moans
He’s sprung, he won’t deny

She's classy
A lady
In the streets she’s well respected
She rides and she grinds
He’s mesmerized
He can’t get enough of it

She's clever
Creative
He likes her
Because she’s wise
She sucks him and fucks him
She knows how to love him
She’s a bad girl in disguise

Casting the Stone

2009-04-09T16:36:00.001-04:00

Let only ye that hath no sin
Cast the stone upon another
Judging me while sleeping
With your best friend’s lover
And how about you Ms. Goody 2 shoes
Pointing the finger of blame
Talking about the next man
But hiding your skeletons of shame
And check out Mr. Preacher’s son
In church on the piano
Criticizing the deacon’s kids
All the while he’s caught in scandal
Your nosy ass always gossiping
Downing the neighbor’s habit
If you paid attention to your own affairs
You’d notice your husband’s an addict
Listen at you, discussing their marriage
Their finances are out of order
I’ll bet you didn’t tell your secret
That’s not your husband’s daughter
OMG don’t talk to him
He was just released from prison
The only reason you’re not locked up
Is because someone else made the right decision
Look at her, big as a house
Obesity, what a terrible disgrace
Nine months later look at you
It appears you’re running a race
What a waste, she’s working retail
With a freaking bachelors degree
Two months later you got laid off
Learned the hard way about job security
Every year she turns up pregnant
With no man to call her own
Mind your business, where is your man
When’s the last time he came home?
Every week he’s calling out
Sick days, personal time or vacation
Worry about your own performance
And how you can get off probation
I can’t believe she behaved that way
That’s something I would never do
Word to the wise, never say never
Until you’ve walked in her shoes
Did you hear, girl let me tell you
Gossiping will teach you a lesson
You have a right to condemn another
When you’ve reached a level of perfection
Since that won’t happen and you’re no saint
The only business you should mind is your own
Continue to judge and criticize others
And you’ll feel the wrath of that stone
See every time you open your mouth
Sticking your nose where it’s not your concern
Karma makes a mental note
And waits for the tables to turn
Now you’re in the hot seat, the center of gossip
All eyes and attention on you
The world is watching and waiting to judge
That’s what casting the stone will do

Yesterday's Memories

2009-03-25T11:36:00.000-04:00

Concentrated thoughts
Of a soul mate long lost
The bond clouds my memory
And creates strong intensity
My mind takes a journey
Traveling backward in time
Thinking of our past
I slowly rewind
The last time I saw him
We said our goodbyes
The time before that
I stared in demise
Knowing with distance
We’d soon grow apart
Years have gone by
And he’s still in my heart
We would eat, we’d laugh
We’d play and converse
Emotions resurface
As I go in reverse
The walk on the beach
We strolled through the sand
Our hearts intertwined
As I held his hand
The chemistry was strong!
Like our first kiss
I float on a cloud
As I reminisce
I mastered his smell
Studied his design
Admired his intelligence
As he inspired my mind
Debates over music
Thought process exact
For my personality
A perfect match
My mind travels on
And I’ll never forget
The first time I saw him
The first time we met
Who is this man
What a striking smile
His eyes were so deep
I respected his style
I remember thinking
I must get to know!
What makes him unique
And so original
The memories flow on
He can’t be replaced
I miss him so dearly
My heart won’t erase
Records of our past
Are stored in my heart
It reminds me of closeness
Although we’re apart
I wonder if my soul mate
Often thinks of me
Can I still open his heart
With our secret key
Maybe we’ll cross paths
In the meantime I’ll play
With recollections of our past
And memories of yesterday

When He Gets Paid

2009-03-20T11:36:00.000-04:00

When he gets paid
Where will his money spend
Will he look out for his woman
Or hit the clubs every weekend
When he gets paid
Will he take me on vacation
Buy me designer handbags
And methods of deserved relaxation
When he gets paid
Will he spoil me with luxuries
Expensive bottles of champagne
And the finest cuisine
Hopefully he will remember me
With even the smallest things
Or he could do something major
Pop the question or engagement ring
Maybe he will do other things
Once he gets paid
Behave like a bachelor
On the prowl to get laid
He might pack his bags
And be on his way
Forgetting about all
The sacrifices that I made
Late nights at the bar
Spending his last dime
Showing appreciation to his woman
The last thing on his mind
Who knows what will happen
Once the paycheck is dispersed
All this hypothetical
Because in order to get paid
He must have a job first

The Manipulator's Eye

2009-03-20T11:19:00.000-04:00

Manipulation
Another form of masturbation
A fake ass ejaculation
Your existence is merely a figment of your imagination
You’re an actor
Fake laughter
Fake ass character
No substance thereafter
You’re excellent at the show
If I didn’t pay attention I wouldn’t even know
I observe so I peeped your game
Your approach is lame
You hide behind an alias
So confused you even use a fake first name
Self evaluation
Is beyond your articulation
I would advise some rehabilitation
To remedy your useless simulation
Your disguise is just right for the show
But I pay attention so all of your secrets I know
Reality versus perception
Your mask is your protection
You even fight with a fake ass weapon
Try for once giving your other brain an erection
Ducking and dodging responsibility
Phonies prefer sympathy
Frontin about your history
You’re nothing more than a liability
Did you think you deserved an oscar for that show
You fooled the rest of them but not me though
Living a life of fallacy
You hide behind someone else’s masterpiece
Taking credit for the next man’s trophies
You are your own worse enemy
Nicca you aint trill
You’re worse than a fake ass ex pill
Claiming you have the hottest spill
You got a lot to learn about keeping it real
But I can’t teach you
The essence of true manhood is obviously beneath you
You’re at the top of your class in loser school
Good luck to all those who tolerate you
Your outlook on life is disheveled
You wear a blue dress like most devils
I’ll do what most bitches are scared to
And challenge you to get on my level
Check it
You’re a user
Nothing short of a loser
Tried to live off my shine
But I worked for it so that makes it mine
Your true colors surfaced
It was only a matter of time
You think you’re the shit
But you amount to less than half a dime
Penny ass homo
Too scared to roll solo
You tried to play with the queen
But I have no problem fucking up your self esteem
I call it how I see it
Very low tolerance for bullshit
What? You thought it was a joke?
Niccas like you get smoked
Not like the jack but more like aces
I have big friends in high places
Continue seeking that round of applause
But I cut deep exposing all your flaws
Your lies don’t impress me
I’m too smart; I researched your history
I know your past and I’ll fuck up your destiny
Not a threat but all promises I keep
So if you think you put on a motherfucking performance
You might be ready but you weren’t prepared for this
So caught up you believe your own lies
That’s how life is lived through manipulator’s eyes
I gave you a fair chance
I looked beyond all your circumstance
I actually gave you the benefit of the doubt
But fuck a fair chance once I saw what you were about
When the going gets tough phonies run away
You remind me of the last mutt that went astray
Sniffing for goods at the strangest of homes
The best thing you can do is leave me alone
You might have done well at that last presentation
But the difference between us is you lack observation
I’ll give you your props you were great at the show
Just because I never said it doesn’t mean I don’t know

When in Love

2008-12-01T14:47:00.000-05:00

When in love
I feel a high
Like the sky's
Truly the limit
To where we can go
And what we can do
I actually enjoy being
Infatuated with you
When in love
I feel sexiness
And want to caress
Every inch
Taste every kiss
Tell me which spots I missed
When in love
I want to dance
To the song of your heartbeat
Will you let me?
I'll tap dance
But only if you let me

How Would You Feel

2008-12-01T14:12:00.000-05:00

How would you feel
If I did what u do to me
How would u like it
If I lay him in my sheets
I'm on your time
But calling his phone
Put him on speed dial
And gave him your ring tone
I went shopping for me
Picked up something for you
It made u feel special
Then you realize … I bought him one too
I give u good lovin
Make u think it's all yours
But I love him exactly the same
Behind closed doors
Lingerie from Vicky's
Fredericks of Hollywood
I'm a "free agent"
So it's still all good
I wear it for you
And the moment u leave
I wear it again
Aiming to please
I like u I like him
Don't force me to choose
I'm a good catch
So how can u lose?
You can have me your way
But I'm not ready to commit
Out of sight, out of mind
You know that's bullshit
In real life there's no such thing
As having it all
You can enjoy it today
But soon you will fall
It's important to be fair
And make respectable choices
Selfish behavior
Is never, ever rewarded
Here is my plan
This is how it will be
As long as you're with her
U lose priority with me
You'll get lost in the shuffle
Oh yes you will see
I'll make it a point
To treat u just as u treat me
I'll make it easy
Flash competition in your face
A dose of your own medicine
I'll give u a taste
Maybe then you'll understand
Some of my concerns
It seems to me
That's the only way you'll learn
With that being said
It's not even my style
I'm not a judge
And no one is on trial
I'm just making a point
Putting you in my shoes
Ask yourself this question
How would you feel if I did it to you?

Dear Sir

2008-11-26T09:40:00.001-05:00

Dear Mr. _______,
I am writing this letter to express my interest in your resume entitled “Character.” Upon reviewing your curriculum I took special notice to several qualifications listed in your outline. The following credentials lead me to believe you are the perfect candidate for the position I am looking to fill: Sincerity, Intelligence, Strength, Wisdom and Honesty. I have done an extensive evaluation of the section labeled “Personality” and I am overly impressed with the results. In choosing, I happen to find that the following traits set you apart from the other prospective candidates: ambitious, fun, loving, understanding, outgoing, talented, protective, open minded, tolerant, nurturing, affectionate, patient, well-rounded, supportive and fair. In interviewing with you it appears that you are loyal, you aim to please and are willing to give 100% to the position if you are selected. This type of dedication is much needed and overly appreciated in the eyes of the hiring department. I am also pleased with your appearance as it is clean but versatile which is an indication that you would fit well in any environment.

I would like to take this opportunity to tell you a little more about the opening. The position is not high maintenance but does entail quite a bit of responsibility. Please don’t be intimidated by the last statement as the responsibilities are basic but like any other job it does require work. In exchange for your hard work and effort you will be greatly rewarded as I recognize and appreciate value and I am careful not to take it for granted. Initially you may find the position to be rather challenging but with time you will come to realize that it’s a simple matter of learning how to operate the system, as the system is one of a kind but not difficult to master. Our benefits package is phenomenal as it guarantees reciprocity, respect, submission, thoughtfulness, spontaneity, and room for growth. Once hired, I would like to keep you as I feel confident that you would be a wonderful fit for what I am seeking. With that being said I am willing to negotiate our contract at any time in order to secure the happiness and satisfaction of both parties.

It is my hope that this offer letter captures your interest. If in fact you decide to accept the offer take comfort in knowing this may be the last offer letter you will have to read as I believe in the importance of stability and longevity. Keep in mind that there are a large number of applicants as this is a great opportunity for the right candidate but you, Mr. ______, were hand chosen and set apart from the other ordinary profiles.

Are you up for the challenge?
Will you accept the offer?

Sincerely,
Hiring Manager

Walking in the Rain

2008-11-25T15:26:00.000-05:00

I could let the thump thump of the rain on my head get me down
But I won’t.
Instead I’ll turn my frown into a smile
And be grateful that I can even get around.

I could let the splashing of puddles from the cars riding by piss me off
But I won’t.
Instead I keep walking with my head held high;
Amazed at the fact that water actually drops down from the sky

I could let the cold and rainy winds deter me from my journey
But I won’t.
Instead I shift my thoughts in relation
To my final destination

I could host a pity party and invite only myself
But I won’t.
Instead I reminisce on the days
When I could find no way to hide from the sun’s blinding rays

I could let the sounds of thunder frighten me
But I won’t
Instead I remind myself that I’m courageous
After all, I’ve overcome storms more superior than this

I would normally allow the strikes of lightning to intimidate me
But this time I won’t
I know who watches over me
So I’ll let Him determine my destiny

So I march on in the midst of the thunderstorm
And I remember
That it’s often like this in the cold of November
But it has to rain hard in order to discard of the nasty residue
Therefore, I stride with humility in the pouring rain
And I remember that through it all, I’m too blessed to complain

Alter Ego

2008-11-18T15:27:00.000-05:00

Hiding behind names and labels only allows you to escape the real you. Perhaps he makes you a little too uncomfortable. Is it more appealing to push who you are to the side in order to create a character that brings you a sense of pride? Does that mean you’re unaware of the deeper you? Or does that alter ego allow an excuse for the unacceptable things you do? Who is the real as opposed to the imagination? Is the real only motivated by the ego’s determination? Is the real not capable of motivating himself? I think he relies on the alter ego to give him this help.

Who is the real man behind that mask? I think that’s a question even he has to ask. Is he confident enough to embrace his flaws or does he suppress his insecurities and call it a loss? Is he strong in his demeanor, with pep in his step? Or is he last in line settling for what is left? Does he possess enough character to handle it all or does he blame everyone else for his downfall? Is he honest and willing to accept imperfection? I think he relies on the alter ego to lead in that direction.

She paints on her mask every single day. Hoping the makeup will fade her past away. Tired of running she creates a pretense. Instead of Alicia she’s now Suspense. From Stroker’s to Body Tap she bounces around. Shakin it & pretending to like the sound. See Suspense is that girl who they all envy. She appears to have it all but inside she’s empty. Alicia needs Suspense for that's who she follows. Suspense needs no one, for she has no soul.

Does she think true happiness will come from this? Maybe in her mind happiness no longer exists. In the mirror she pauses to take a long stare. But the alter ego intercedes and whispers “don’t you dare.” Is she ever going to embrace her womanhood and like who she is? Or does she continue faking it just to fit in? The scars of her past won’t allow true beauty. So she relies on the alter ego to make her complete.

Can the brokenness of your life ever be repaired? Or are you more at ease with remaining unaware? Is it too much for you to learn to like who you are? Maybe instead of running you should patch up your scars. How about you stop hiding, take a look at yourself. You are just as phenomenal as anyone else. See we all are tarnished in our own method. Some are complete and others reject it. So will you choose to let your true colors show? Or will you continue to rely on the alter ego.

What If

2008-09-25T09:56:00.001-04:00

Connection or chemistry
Something's taking over me
The touch of his hand; the glow of his skin
His smile controls thoughts as I pretend
What if he were mine; if I were his girl
What if I were the center of his world
The core of his thoughts, the lady in his life
I'd value his presence and treat him right
I'd massage his temples as he unwinds
Condition his heart and stimulate his mind
In business and love his intimate friend
We would fall in love over and over again
Trust him completely with the deepest side of me
Give him my all and we're both complete
Euphoria at it's best, I'm up for the test
Waking everyday to his happiness
So clearly I can see
Then reality awakens me
Circumstance is real
His heart I can't steal
It belongs to another
His wife and children's mother
The fantasy was nice but I can't pretend
It will only cause me pain in the end
So I'll settle for friendship; ultimately that's what he needs
How sweet life would be if he had chosen a woman like me

Shut the fuck up

2008-09-19T10:17:00.000-04:00

You put me in situations that cause me to act out then act like u dont understand what the attitude is about. Now you tell me if you think that is cool. I'm a pleasant person but your actions make me act a damn fool. You want to know why I'm single? I'm single by my own right. I don't want to go around Atlanta laying different men in my bed at night. The other reason is because for the last year and a half I have been busy playing games with you. Competing for you, being a fool and not paying any attention to the other available and interested dudes. So the nerve of you to come off on me like that! I lost so much but now its time for me to bounce back. I lost my self respect and even a part of who I am in the name of loving your dumb ass. Then you turn around and complain about me, say I get on your nerves and when i question you got the nerve to get mad. You damn right I'm going to ask if I want to know. So if that makes me unbearable, unlikeable, unpleasant then there's the door. You are just one man out of many who are interested and in the eyes others you're considered lucky so don't get it twisted. I would let the words that come out of your mouth offend me but they don't. You don't treat me half as good as I deserve to be treated so dont think it's going to upset me because it won't. In fact, I'd like to see you with another "me." Yeah that would be twice that you've lucked up. Until then do us both a favor and shut the fuck up.

A Message to the Haters

2008-09-11T15:04:00.002-04:00

When did I start living for people
Giving a damn what they think?
They talk about me
Like their shit don’t stink
I know who I am
I don't live for you
But you're constantly worrying about how I live
And what I came to do
I know you think I'm perfect
You wish you could stand as tall
Instead you're watching, waiting
Glorifying in my downfall
What you fail to realize is
I needed to hit the floor
Because once I'm up and running again
I'm faster than before
So go on and judge me, hate me
At best that’s what you do
I know your secret so I wink and smile
I can see right through you
You spend your time trying to win
But you have no strategy
And even if I loaned you mine
You still could not compete
The nerve of you to use my flaws
To make yourself seem strong
Wearing that mask and sweating me
That's exactly where you went wrong
Instead of hating lets talk a bit
Let's try some therapy
I’ll teach you to be happy in life
As opposed to hatin on me
I'm nothing like you hater
For I am self aware
I won't wear your masks, look too hard
Nor will I stop and stare
I have not one concern
With your hater attributes
When did I start waking up everyday
And living to satisfy you?

I Must Go On

2008-08-06T19:06:00.001-04:00

If one more obstacle is placed in my way
I swear before God I might go astray
Time and again with challenges I'm faced
Searching for answers, survivng the day
Ive come to realize that some can't go on
But I'm a survivor, I gotta stay strong!
He put those in my life to serve a duty
At that point I realized that life isn't about me
Things get done, my purpose fulfilled
Even if my hardships grant someone else's will
I'm not here in vain, despite circumstance
Nothing in life happens solely by chance
We find perfect peace in doing His will
We then come to realize it's ok to stand still
Patience is learned, worry deceased
Stress disappears as prayers increase
Blessings will form but waver the storm
And then we find strength to still go on
Life doesn't stop according to situation
It's at that point that you gain motivation
I will not give up, I must succeed
In order to receive what is meant for me

Puzzled

2008-07-31T15:07:00.000-04:00

Emotions – Driving me wild
I love your style
Conversation – Came right on time
Interaction - One of a kind
Feelings – Too scary to discuss
Friendship – A definite must
Game – I hate to lose
My Heart – I'm so confused
Definition – What does that mean?
Emotions – I'm going to come clean
I'm really feeling you
Conversation – From this point on only the truth
Interaction – Far too complex
Feelings – Wondering what's next
Friendship – Relevant foundation
Game – No object, no motivation
My Heart – Is it a two way street
Definition – Makes it concrete

Who Am I?

2008-07-31T15:00:00.000-04:00

I am a woman, a black woman. I am creative, expressive, fun. I possess character, potential, sisterhood. I exert energy, mostly positive but if you cross me you'll get to meet my evil twin who is sometimes crass, rude,insensitive and cold. I am a lover, passionate, intense, confident and I've learned how to do it and do it right. I am generous, I'll give my last and I hope to one day dedicate my life to philanthropy. I am an artist of music, drawings, words. I am competitive, a champion, but if there is no real competition then it's a waste of my time to play the game. I hate to hear NO and I hate to lose. I am a smooth operator, I get what I want and if I don't it may be because I didn't deserve it but not because I didn't try. I am fair because I'm afraid that if I'm not I may reap what I sow. I'm not perfect - that would be no fun since no one else is either. Sometimes I'm a cynic, I expect very little from others. This is partly a defense mechanism that I use to conquer disappointment, insecurities and pain. I am tough but at the same time soft as a feathered pillow. I like the soft side of me the best, that's the side that most see and know. The tough side is there to shelter my naivety. I love to laugh and act silly, sometimes I laugh at myself and my body. I wish I could dance but I have no rhythm! I can admit when I am wrong, I can say I'm sorry and really mean it and when possible I will do all I can to correct my mistakes. I like to drink wine while cleaning -don't ask why. I like games that offer a challenge - scrabble is my favorite next to spades, tunk, chess poker and tetris. I also like to play checkers and I taught my grandmother how to complete her first crossword puzzle. That was special. I get really emotional at times and sometimes I cry for no reason but no one knows that (am I weird or just a woman?). Everyday is another chance. Some people don't make it. I have a lot to offer. My friends, my sisters and my brothers all love me. All of my ex boyfriends miss me. Most people enjoy my company. My mother sees herself in me because I look like her. The insensitive, cold and stubborn side of me comes from my dad. I respect it. I am really smart and talented. I can do a lot of things, I'm resourceful but I don't apply myself as much and often waste my potential. I'm pretty easy going, I let most things slide. Once I feel disrespected then everything becomes a pain in my ass and all of a sudden not worth it. I'm impatient and have a very low tolerance for stupidity. I'm a suckerfor mental stimulation and fulfilling conversation. At times I am really sweet and very thoughtful. I am understanding and I don't judge people because of their situations or circumstance. I'm not conceited but I know what I'm made of, I'll only settle for a little while but once I'm out I usually don't look back. I want a child one day and I want to get married. I want him to serve as my best friend, maybe we'll run a few businesses together, go on vacations, he'll calm me down when I'm unraveling and help me find solutions to my problems, show me how to reach my dreams. For the most part I'm cool, I'm genuine, I'm nice to people, I'm respectful and down to earth. I don't steal, I don't snoop, I'm not deranged or psycho, I have pride, I like myself, I'm a good person, I want to make a lot of money and I like to work. I am a lot of things but mostly I'm just me.

One Day ...

2008-07-31T14:49:00.000-04:00

He really didn't respect me
Because I didn't respect myself
He was spending time with me
While romancing someone else
I let him have his way
Because I wanted to gain his trust
For me it was excitement
For him it was pure lust
What an interesting experience
This one I won't forget
Although some days I have the blues
Meeting him I don't regret
With every situation
There's a lesson to be learned
Respect is not demanded
It's something that is earned
I lived a sheltered lifestyle
And sometimes I'm real naive
But never again will I let anyone
Have power over me
I am my own woman
And one day I will find
A man who can appreciate
The excellence of my mind
In the meantime I'm preparing
One day I'll get it done
I'm empowered by my circumstance
I know I'll meet the one
He's especially designed for me
He may be in preparation too
But when we finally come together
I'll know just what to do
I lost myself in a fantasy
That's something I didn't expect
Next time around I'll do my best
To do away with disrespect
I'm saddened by the outcome
But I know what I'm made of
I deserve respect, companionship
But most importantly I deserve love